Heavy Thoughts

I finally did it! I finally got a car/minivan. I will never forget the day that Kenneth suggested that our next vehicle be a minivan (Ashlyn was a baby at the time). I told him I would NEVER drive one and that I was too young to be behind the wheel of one of those things. LOL. Boy am I eating my words now. Let me be the first to say that I LOVE this Odyssey. The purpose of our new car is for me and the kids to be able to get around without having to worry about the car cranking or stopping etc. and for us to have a safe way to travel to Texas. Ah, Texas. The place that will take me away from all that I have ever known. From my roots, the state that I call home and the family that I want to spend eternity with, that I was raised with, that love me. This may be melodramatic for some, but I am not the wandering type. I love where I am and I'm with the ppl I love and that love me so why go any where else? That was my way of thinking. I haven't been thinking at all about how real it is that I'm moving so far from my family. I haven't been thinking about not being able to call up my nearest and dearest friends to see if they want to bring their kids over to play, or have a girls night. I haven't been thinking about my new neice and nephews that will grow not knowing who Aunt Heather is or my older neice and nephew who will miss me, but especially my children. I haven't thought about all of the bday dinners for my sibblings and their spouses that I'll miss out on. Or Mother's Day and all other holidays I will miss. My mom gives the BEST hugs, I'll miss those a LOT especially on those hard days. My sisters. Oh my sisters! We are so close and I'll be out of the picture missing everything. My little sister is a new stay at home mom. Who will she hang out with and run to when she's going stir crazy or needing help? Who will Wendy and Matt play "Hand-n-Foot" with until 4am? My girls won't be able to visit Aunt Amy and Jade will REALLY be asking where Uncle Matt is now! When Amy and Matt expand there family where will I be? When Dallin starts showing his personality and growing who will I show it to and who will get just as excited as I will? I haven't cried yet because I haven't allowed myself to think about the hard stuff so that I can avoid the feelings and tears. Well now I'm lying because while writing this I began to cry and honestly admit that I still am. I know it sounds really dramatic, but please bare with me as I "spread my wings and grow." I don't know what is in store for us in TX, but it's obviously important that we go. Otherwise we wouldn't have sold our home in 7days, we wouldn't have found the perfect apt., I wouldn't have found a reliable vehicle and the buying process would not have been SO easy. I wouldn't have recieved all the help that I have and I wouldn't be having the wonderful experiences that I have. I KNOW that this is what our family is supposed to do. Of course I could just tell Heavenly Father no thank you and that I'm going to stay here with my family where I'm comfortable. It would be REALLY stupid, but I could do it. But I won't. I know that we are going to gain experiences in our life to teach us and help us grow. We will face trials, and we will be prepared for them because of these experiences. I know all of this to be true. And more importantly I know that my Father in heaven will be there all along the way holding my hand and my head up. Now I just have to think of a way to not break down completely infront of my children after saying good bye to my family. If they don't cry I can probably manage it. But if you know me and you know how sensitive I am to feelings and emotions, then you also know that the rest of my family is the EXACT same way. Hmm. Maybe I should have my brother-in-law Jim drive the car away until I can gather myself. I'd hate to wreck my new car because I couldn't see through all of my glossy tears. I don't see a cop having pitty on me for that one. Well enough of the crying and drama for now. This is what is on my mind tonight.